And If You Go First – When A Child Dies

Only parents that have lost a child can understand a parent that has lost a child.

And only children that have left without you can understand a child that arrives without you.

“Follow me, follow me, I know the way”

I am no expert in child loss. I am simply a mum with an unusual ability to help you in some small way to navigate the profound pain of your journey.

No one likes to consider the possibility that a child may go ahead before we do. In the textbook of natural progression, the expectation is that the children assemble at the bedside of the aged parent as they draw close to the end of the physical breath.  And although this process is still painful, the ability to find closure is simply easier.  The dying adult has forged relationships along the way, expressed their own understanding of what they might expect once they arrive to the other side, and take with them a myriad of experiences and memories. It’s just easier.  We derive some measure of comfort that dad or mum might be waiting to greet them. Maybe the neighbor of 40 years that became like a brother…or someone else that the loved one has created a relationship with over their human lifetime. We just innately understand that somehow, in their adult years, that they are safe on arrival.

If you are a parent or a care giver of a child you will understand the overwhelming fear that strikes you as your five year old steps away from you in the clothing racks.  You glance down with the expectation that they are standing beside you and your heart leaps in panic when you don’t see them there.  Logically we know that they can’t possibly be more than ten feet away but this does not deter us from the parental instinct of fear.

“Where did they go!?”  presents a tunnel vision type of scenario where you rush to find them, everything in your cart forgotten in a split second.  Finding them moments later giggling behind the service desk you finally release the breath you’ve been holding.  “Don’t you EVER do that to me again! You scared poor mummy half to death!”

I’ve spent thousands of hours with parents who can’t find them.  And whether it be that they have passed through to wait on the heaven side, or that they are missing the desperate need to know where they went is crippling.  To know that they are safe and not afraid is overwhelming.  It matters not that they were with them when they left. They do not know where they are.  Long relationships were not forged. A lifetime of memories were not created.  The child is gone and to the grieving parent…

The child went alone.

And for those that support or have in your company those grieving this pain I beg you to consider for a moment that these parents will never stop looking. Please be mindful to not deter them from their need to do so. It is an inherent right as a parent to seek out their babies.  Never ask them to give that up by suggesting that it’s time to move on. Or that other children need them now. Or that other children are possible. To these parents their children are missing. And as a parent yourself, would you ever stop looking…ask yourself before offering advice….would I stop looking?

Now for my words and from the value of my abilities, I can offer you the comfort of knowing that they didn’t go alone.  Call them Angels, call them Divine presence, call them what you are comfortable with. But the little ones..they never go alone.  As you sit with me and tell me that no other family that they would “know” was waiting, I can assure you that there was. But first….

A child will appear. A child not much older than your own. With sparkling eyes and dimples that dance as they call out to yours…

“Follow me, follow me, I know the way”

A child like your own child. A tiny soul that had to leave their family too soon . A wise young soul that understands everything that you don’t in that moment. A patient little person who knows that you are aching and struggling with who is waiting.

A perfectly divine child will be there for you when you can’t be there for them. An entity of the purest love and the the lightest of giggles will lead them home. A child that smells of sunshine and sand. A child that lived a brief lifetime here yet carries a hundred lifetimes of heaven. A child that understands your pain more than anyone else can possibly understand.

A child of parents just like yourself.

A child just like yours.

And one day, not too far from today, the child you grieve will be that child…

And another parent will grieve.  And another parent will ask…

“Where did they go?”

And your child will answer…

” Follow me, follow me, I know the way”

And I will smile softly as an Angel leads them away.

Only parents that have lost a child can understand a parent that has lost a child.

And only children that have left without you can understand a child that arrives without you.

Angels don’t live full physical lifetimes. Angels always go first.

My love to all that are looking for their children.

One day an Angel will be waiting for you.

With sparkling eyes and dancing dimples.

Love each other.

Tania

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No Sex or Chocolate in Heaven

Take your credit card. Sex is pricey. And stock up on cake for when the bill comes rolling in. You’ll be both depressed and exhausted. But wait…chocolate…

“Qu’ils mangent de la brioche”

Marie Antoinette

Although her context was less than compassionate…her words are fairly in keeping with what we were promised when we fell out of the uterus.

“Its gonna suck sometimes kid…but there’s chocolate”

 

I know, I know. I too shivered at the realization that there would be no cake in heaven. Imagine for a moment no chocolate for all of eternity. Gads.

Spending our afterlife minus the comfort food that has sustained us through so many of our discomforts in this physical life. Good God all mighty this is asking an awful lot in exchange for all we’ve endured here!

However, before you go pushing down the doors of the local churches screaming

“Why oh why!?!?!” …

Let me shed some light on what might be considered a tremendous faux pas on the part of the hospitality committee at the pearly gates. Before you all withhold tip out to Angel Boy there…

You see…

We don’t need cake in heaven.

Oh and get ready…..

We don’t need sex either. Oh my God…I KNOW.  Quickly now…run to the nearest XXX store and buy everything you need to experience it ALL before it’s too late!

Take your credit card. Sex is pricey. And stock up on cake for when the bill comes rolling in. You’ll be both depressed and exhausted. But wait…chocolate…

That’ll fix ya.

There’s always that.

Here in this physical lifetime we are asked to endure some of the most difficult experiences we can possibly anticipate. We signed up for this when we chose to dive into the womb after one of those “sexcapades” mentioned above.

Why did we choose that? The easy answer obviously would be for cake.

We need the comforts that we are permitted to make this journey a more manageable one. It is just that simple. Because we as humans struggle with finding comfort within our own souls we are offered the next best thing to blunt off what hurts us.

I will always remember my Nanny unwrapping a Dairy Milk to shove into my whiny little face.

“Chocolate fixes everything Fanlight”

And she was right bless her soul. All of my earthly discomfort would evaporate as the creamy sweetness would wrap itself around my tongue.

Not for long of course. Many, many Dairy Milks were consumed in the making of a Happy Medium.

In the keeping of spiritual I am leaving out the XXX store visits. 😉

The physical world requires compensation prizes. It’s just that simple.

And Heaven does not.

Think to one of the best meals you have ever tasted. Or the most unbelievably intimate experience you have ever felt. We’ve all said it.

“OMG this tastes like heaven”

“OMG I think I died and went to heaven”

“OMG this is better than sex!”

These moments I mention above are few and far between. We are not intended to know this feeling everyday because we need to prepare to feel it for eternity.

We are simply allowed tastings to sustain us through all the awful times when it doesn’t taste quite so palatable.

Do yourselves a favor. Don’t always turn down the cake. It was our birthright to take some small consolations for agreeing to live.

Life is hard. We love, we lose. We love, we grieve. We dream, we shatter. We want, we don’t get. We ask, we don’t receive. We go through every day accepting what is not acceptable and being asked to forgive what is unforgivable. We are told we are not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough. We are shaken and stirred, broken and rebuilt,

Damn right we deserve chocolate.

Eat yours and know you have earned every bite.

And when its time for you to leave this world.

It’s gonna feel like chocolate after sex.

Forever and Ever

Yum.

 

Be gentle on yourselves.

Tania