Smashing Glass Slippers

“In the shadow of my hurt, forgiveness feels like a decision to reward my enemy”   

~Andy Stanley~

“In the shadow of my hurt, forgiveness feels like a decision to reward my enemy”

~Andy Stanley~

I am not sure I am comfortable with the word enemy in the quote above, but in keeping with the original wording I must allow it to remain.  I really don’t consider anyone to be an enemy.  In any situation where I might happen upon someone with whom I have suffered a disconnect, I can and will behave in a cordial albeit aloof manner, but I would never consider them to be an enemy.  More so a lesson in what to avoid, I suppose.

I am terribly imperfect. This blog represents a vulnerability that is uncommon for me because I am much more comfortable in healing your discomforts than my own. From yours I have an ability to disconnect.  Perhaps this is why I am so good at what I have been led to do. It’s worked for me so far, yet recently it has become evident to me that I have missed a step along the way somewhere, and my ability to go forward and provide the best of myself  was reliant on some soul searching and contemplation.

For those that know me quite well, they know of my inability to comprehend or extend forgiveness. This is in complete opposition to my empathetic nature, a learned human behavior not a true characteristic of who I am.  It is not uncommon to hear me tell people to reserve the act of forgiveness for themselves alone.  To heal their hurts without giving opportunity to those that created them to feel that they are abolished of their wrong doing.  As the quote above states I have always lived by the belief that forgiveness does little more than reward the behavior that created discomfort.

So, in keeping with the fairy tale, I will, more often than not, don the proverbial glass slippers and exit stage left. I rarely to never leave a shoe behind either.  Gone. Little trace exists that we spent time in each other’s journey short of a few crystals you might find that have broken off in my escape.

I am no Cinderella by any stretch. She was much kinder than I when it came to the dealings of those that distressed her. At least she provided them jobs in which to support themselves once her Prince Charming appeared. I don’t even allow that much.  I cut you out entirely, my support in your journey forward is over.

It’s just always been my way.  I will not forgive you but I will forget you. I guess the premise behind that logic (somewhere in my mind) is that you won’t forget me because I leave no opportunity for you to feel that you found closure in my departure.

Well that’s not screwed up at all is it?

Someone recently asked me to consider forgiveness and my first instinct was my natural instinct. Find a big box to put that in. Nail it down firmly and bury it.  Dig out my glass slippers, rush off to my hearth, pack them away and then sit and forgive myself for allowing something or someone to cause me pain.  And it often goes a little like this.

“I forgive myself for allowing myself to be harmed by the actions of another. “I forgive myself for my inability to control the events that led to my discomfort”. I forgive myself for being misguided” “I forgive myself for giving too much of my good energy”  “I forgive myself for the expectations I put on others”

I could go on forever here because I can find a litany of reasons to forgive myself in any and all situations.  I could forgive myself for burning the pasta last week.

But I digress.

I recently pulled out the glass slippers. I haven’t done that in a long time now. Maybe the passage of time caused me to hesitate before I slid them to my feet. Maybe I was too tired of trying to run in them.  Or maybe…..just maybe….

I was tired of putting the blame on myself and soothing myself with a ritual of self forgiveness for my own sincerity of action.

I still strongly believe in the power of self forgiving. Once this blog is public I will forgive myself for not discovering this lesson sooner.  I will forgive myself for perhaps offering up advice to others based solely on what I thought was true for me. Early into this spiritual journey I was reminded several times to not permit my own prejudice to color the souls that I encounter along the way.  And I believe I have allowed that to happen.  Forgive me.

So something today I never thought I would do…..

A plot twist perhaps…

Forgive.

Forgiveness does not mean that you will accept further discomforts. It does not mean that you are a pushover. It does not mean that you announce open season for those to take aim once again. Forgiveness means that you are loving yourself enough now to include boundaries that will not permit discomforts in the future.

Forgiveness is not weakness. Forgiveness is strength.

Forgive. If your forgiveness comes with an apology accept that and forgive because in doing so the responsibility for your pain is shared. As it should be. It is not solely your discomfort to carry and feel you created. Sharing it is much less uncomfortable and far less self injuring.

Forgive. If your forgiveness must come with no apology attached, forgive anyway.  Because no one suffers in this but yourself. Spending decades waiting to hear I am sorry takes the beauty out of life because there is no pain such as the pain of waiting for words that never arrive.  And if it has taken you decades to reach this part, then forgive yourself only for not doing it sooner. You are a beautiful creation and you deserved so much more than that. You deserve so much more going forward from today.

Forgive. Because forgiveness is self love in its most unconditional manner. And there is no one more deserving of that love than yourself.  It does not require that you maintain a connection to those that you have forgiven  but it does require that you understand that until you forgive you do not attach responsibility to anyone else but yourself. And that’s a heavy load to carry alone.

 

So take a moment and repeat this with me if you are so inclined.

I forgive you if you caused me discomfort intentionally, unintentionally, with malice or with lack of consideration.  I forgive you because it is my right to live a life unfettered by the weight of pain. I forgive you because I deserve to live a life that is free of self blame.  I forgive you because I love myself.

And if I have caused you discomfort I ask that you forgive me also. Because you deserve nothing less than I deserve.  We will share our discomforts and love ourselves through it.

You’ll excuse me now……

I have glass slippers to smash

With love.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Resolve To Resolve To Be Me

I resolve to live my life according to how it is intended to be lived in each breath. I have no control over the moments to come and therefore cannot decide what they will look like or who I might be. I resolve to give up my need to control that destiny and to be kind to myself when I fall on my face because I thought I knew better.

I don’t particularly like exercise and I like it far less when it’s the choreographed kind. A friend of mine tried her best this year to sway me into the mindset of the athlete and she may have succeeded were it not for the fact that I just don’t like exercise. The body is more than willing; in fact it makes it clear each morning that it really just wants a good stretch and perhaps some air beyond the apartment walls. The mind however is much stronger and it wins each time with seductive promise of hot coffee and solitude.

I was 13 years old when I first decided I wasn’t good enough. I decided at that time that I  should try to shake it out like Suzanne Somers.  I’d slide into one of my leotard tops..the all in ones with the metal snaps at the genital area. You might recall these, and further recall the sharp sting they created if they unsnapped during a leg lift.  I bought the thigh master to complement my regime. Suzanne would jump all over in her pink outfits and bobbing pony tail while I sat on the floor and felt useless with my bruised vagina and matching thighs.

And every year from then on I was all in on January 1st with the new gadget or regime of the time. I’ve been tangled in skipping ropes, fallen over stair steppers, rolled off of blow up balls, dropped free weights on my foot and lost control on a stationary bike. I am quite simply not made for this and have finally acknowledged my incapacity to be athletic.

And I am OK with that. No more resolutions to try to change who I am. I am over it.

And with that realization I swear I felt 20 pounds of guilt and not being good enough fall from both shoulders.

I resolve to be what I can be in the moments only. I do not resolve to do or be anything more or anyone different in “just three short months”.  If I am intended to be that I will get there regardless. It is just that simple.

So here is my list of what I resolve to be. If it resonates with you please copy and keep it.

I resolve to be peace when I am feeling peaceful. And if for whatever reason I am feeling less than such I resolve to allow myself to feel the reasons to the contrary. I will get back to peace eventually.

I resolve to be light when the light shines for me. And I resolve to accept the dark when the light is dimmed by the human experience. I will allow myself to feel the dark knowing that the light comes back at the end of it.

I resolve to be loving when I am capable of pure loving. I further resolve to allow myself the capacity for less than pure when the experience does not provide that desire. I will come back to love once I understand why it is difficult in this moment.

I resolve to be present at all times even if I am present for simply myself. I will allow for the need to pull back from being present to all when I must heal myself first. I will get back to being present for all eventually.

I resolve to give what I can give, when I am capable of giving it. I resolve to allow myself to be less judgemental of my capacity in the moments that I can give no further. I will come back to giving it all.

I resolve to be a better person and resolve to allow for those moments when that person is difficult to find. To be gentle on my need to fit in and fit out. I am a better person already and need to understand that.

I resolve to be strong in the moments when I am strongest and allow for the moments when weakness pushes out the power. I will get back to strong again.

I resolve to live my life according to how it is intended to be lived in each breath. I have no control over the moments to come and therefore cannot decide what they will look like or who I might be. I resolve to give up my need to control that destiny and to be kind to myself when I fall on my face because I thought I knew better.

And finally….

I resolve to love who I am in the moment. With my scars and my less than perfect pieces. I resolve to love when coffee wins over walking. And when walking wins over coffee. I resolve to love when cheesecake wins over salad. I resolve to love the bad choices and enjoy the choice I made. I resolve to love the good choices and enjoy the choice I made.

I resolve to simply resolve to be me.

And I resolve to love myself through every single step of it.

Happy New Year my friends.

In love and in light.

Tania