Coo Coo for Co – CoVid

Last night he leaned in for a kiss and I screeched “Social distancing!!” without thinking and then coughed for good measure. He hasn’t tried since and my growing list of things that annoy me pretty much assures I won’t feel his lips on mine again for a decade  (unless of course I am forced to attempt resuscitation

 

I was intending to write about the grief of distancing but I think we have had enough of the sadness that is surrounding these current times.  The grief aspect is something I am well tuned into but that will be for another place in another time.  I believe that laughter is the better option to get us through.  In my connections to the spirit side this past few weeks I have met with great resistance to my questions about how long this may last. I have finally come to the understanding that this is another of the lessons that they can only be witness to yet the experience is ours alone. They are here for us only to bring comfort but beyond this, we are to learn to be better humans.  It’s really just that simple. We come out of this better humans.  We find more consideration for the lives around us, we put more thought into how they may feel and we understand individual fears in a way we couldn’t before.  And we learn to roll with the punches in the very best way we can.  I choose to laugh as I roll. I invite you to do the same.  

Today I spent twenty minutes of my life admonishing my spouse for his incorrect pairing of chips and dips.  I caught him dipping MY Tostitos Scoops into the Helluva Good Dip. He still seems to be struggling with the logic that HIS Ruffles goes with Helluva. And salsa and cheese goes with MY scoops.  He is banned from all pairings from this moment forward.

Last night he leaned in for a kiss and I screeched “Social distancing!!” without thinking and then coughed for good measure. He hasn’t tried since and my growing list of things that annoy me pretty much assures I won’t feel his lips on mine again for a decade  (unless of course I am forced to attempt resuscitation due to unexpected accidents that might include a flying salsa jar.)

I am the very definition of introvert and despite that today I messaged my best pal that I was almost prepared to risk arrest just to run up to people outside and touch them.  Appropriately of course.   But then, I suppose being touched by a complete stranger might be considered inappropriate.  Another month of social isolation and we might just find out for sure…

So how is your social isolation going?  Mine’s going wonderful as you can see.

I’ve eaten about four hundred mini eggs, my bra isn’t fitting properly and my eyelashes have fallen off.  I’ve discovered a taste for wine where a taste for wine never did exist before this and I’ve cooked everything I learned to cook in my first 40 years of life.  The remaining dog in our home is eyeing me suspiciously because I am here ALL of the time now and I swear he is now wondering if my guest status has changed to permanent resident.  He isn’t liking this much because I am the “snack limiter” of the family.  If I am making a sandwich for lunch, the other half always orders two and I immediately go into my rant about the second one is for the dog. My husband argues with me every single time this happens and as I make the second one I mutter about him thinking I must be stupid. So when he does in fact attempt to give the dog the second one, the dog stares at me in anticipation of my certain meltdown.  Our much loved Molly was 45 pounds overweight the week before we lost her.  Hubby says it was all muscle and I am mean.  The dog just looks at me like he can’t wait for me to pack and fly away again.

So in my desire to find some balance….

I’ve made several attempts at solitude and mediation.  I get all comfortable, feet flat to the floor, eyes closed and palms up to receive all that spirit can provide me. I fail the minute I hear a voice in the parking lot outside of my window and jump up to look in my excitement of another human being within twenty feet of me.  The picture I chose for the blog is a fairly true representation of what they see when I pull the curtains back.  Many haven’t been back since. I have no idea why, I am clearly just trying to be friendly.  On this note, grandparents please stop before you lean into the window separating you from your grand babies..because you just can’t be sure that this isn’t what they see.  It’s cute when they do it….us not so much.  Stop and think before you press your wrinkles people. Therapy is going to be hard to find and expensive once this is all said and done.  Plan ahead and stay three inches from the glass please.

I’ve watched every episode of nearly every Netflix series made since 2015.  With the exception of the guy that plays with big cats. His face annoys me and therefore I shall not delve into any episode that features it, so please stop telling me I should. It is not happening. The man has a face that only his mother could love.

This morning I actually woke to fantasies about learning to bake. Things are bad when I start considering this. To save myself from attempting butter tarts  I went for a walk instead in the graveyard, made friends with a squirrel and talked him into posing for me. The photo below. I think he resembles a furry Burt Reynolds.  Let me know what you think.   On my next visit I might take him a sandwich.  😉

 

squirrel
My new friend Burt

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Resolve To Resolve To Be Me

I resolve to live my life according to how it is intended to be lived in each breath. I have no control over the moments to come and therefore cannot decide what they will look like or who I might be. I resolve to give up my need to control that destiny and to be kind to myself when I fall on my face because I thought I knew better.

I don’t particularly like exercise and I like it far less when it’s the choreographed kind. A friend of mine tried her best this year to sway me into the mindset of the athlete and she may have succeeded were it not for the fact that I just don’t like exercise. The body is more than willing; in fact it makes it clear each morning that it really just wants a good stretch and perhaps some air beyond the apartment walls. The mind however is much stronger and it wins each time with seductive promise of hot coffee and solitude.

I was 13 years old when I first decided I wasn’t good enough. I decided at that time that I  should try to shake it out like Suzanne Somers.  I’d slide into one of my leotard tops..the all in ones with the metal snaps at the genital area. You might recall these, and further recall the sharp sting they created if they unsnapped during a leg lift.  I bought the thigh master to complement my regime. Suzanne would jump all over in her pink outfits and bobbing pony tail while I sat on the floor and felt useless with my bruised vagina and matching thighs.

And every year from then on I was all in on January 1st with the new gadget or regime of the time. I’ve been tangled in skipping ropes, fallen over stair steppers, rolled off of blow up balls, dropped free weights on my foot and lost control on a stationary bike. I am quite simply not made for this and have finally acknowledged my incapacity to be athletic.

And I am OK with that. No more resolutions to try to change who I am. I am over it.

And with that realization I swear I felt 20 pounds of guilt and not being good enough fall from both shoulders.

I resolve to be what I can be in the moments only. I do not resolve to do or be anything more or anyone different in “just three short months”.  If I am intended to be that I will get there regardless. It is just that simple.

So here is my list of what I resolve to be. If it resonates with you please copy and keep it.

I resolve to be peace when I am feeling peaceful. And if for whatever reason I am feeling less than such I resolve to allow myself to feel the reasons to the contrary. I will get back to peace eventually.

I resolve to be light when the light shines for me. And I resolve to accept the dark when the light is dimmed by the human experience. I will allow myself to feel the dark knowing that the light comes back at the end of it.

I resolve to be loving when I am capable of pure loving. I further resolve to allow myself the capacity for less than pure when the experience does not provide that desire. I will come back to love once I understand why it is difficult in this moment.

I resolve to be present at all times even if I am present for simply myself. I will allow for the need to pull back from being present to all when I must heal myself first. I will get back to being present for all eventually.

I resolve to give what I can give, when I am capable of giving it. I resolve to allow myself to be less judgemental of my capacity in the moments that I can give no further. I will come back to giving it all.

I resolve to be a better person and resolve to allow for those moments when that person is difficult to find. To be gentle on my need to fit in and fit out. I am a better person already and need to understand that.

I resolve to be strong in the moments when I am strongest and allow for the moments when weakness pushes out the power. I will get back to strong again.

I resolve to live my life according to how it is intended to be lived in each breath. I have no control over the moments to come and therefore cannot decide what they will look like or who I might be. I resolve to give up my need to control that destiny and to be kind to myself when I fall on my face because I thought I knew better.

And finally….

I resolve to love who I am in the moment. With my scars and my less than perfect pieces. I resolve to love when coffee wins over walking. And when walking wins over coffee. I resolve to love when cheesecake wins over salad. I resolve to love the bad choices and enjoy the choice I made. I resolve to love the good choices and enjoy the choice I made.

I resolve to simply resolve to be me.

And I resolve to love myself through every single step of it.

Happy New Year my friends.

In love and in light.

Tania