I Resolve To Resolve To Be Me

I resolve to live my life according to how it is intended to be lived in each breath. I have no control over the moments to come and therefore cannot decide what they will look like or who I might be. I resolve to give up my need to control that destiny and to be kind to myself when I fall on my face because I thought I knew better.

I don’t particularly like exercise and I like it far less when it’s the choreographed kind. A friend of mine tried her best this year to sway me into the mindset of the athlete and she may have succeeded were it not for the fact that I just don’t like exercise. The body is more than willing; in fact it makes it clear each morning that it really just wants a good stretch and perhaps some air beyond the apartment walls. The mind however is much stronger and it wins each time with seductive promise of hot coffee and solitude.

I was 13 years old when I first decided I wasn’t good enough. I decided at that time that I  should try to shake it out like Suzanne Somers.  I’d slide into one of my leotard tops..the all in ones with the metal snaps at the genital area. You might recall these, and further recall the sharp sting they created if they unsnapped during a leg lift.  I bought the thigh master to complement my regime. Suzanne would jump all over in her pink outfits and bobbing pony tail while I sat on the floor and felt useless with my bruised vagina and matching thighs.

And every year from then on I was all in on January 1st with the new gadget or regime of the time. I’ve been tangled in skipping ropes, fallen over stair steppers, rolled off of blow up balls, dropped free weights on my foot and lost control on a stationary bike. I am quite simply not made for this and have finally acknowledged my incapacity to be athletic.

And I am OK with that. No more resolutions to try to change who I am. I am over it.

And with that realization I swear I felt 20 pounds of guilt and not being good enough fall from both shoulders.

I resolve to be what I can be in the moments only. I do not resolve to do or be anything more or anyone different in “just three short months”.  If I am intended to be that I will get there regardless. It is just that simple.

So here is my list of what I resolve to be. If it resonates with you please copy and keep it.

I resolve to be peace when I am feeling peaceful. And if for whatever reason I am feeling less than such I resolve to allow myself to feel the reasons to the contrary. I will get back to peace eventually.

I resolve to be light when the light shines for me. And I resolve to accept the dark when the light is dimmed by the human experience. I will allow myself to feel the dark knowing that the light comes back at the end of it.

I resolve to be loving when I am capable of pure loving. I further resolve to allow myself the capacity for less than pure when the experience does not provide that desire. I will come back to love once I understand why it is difficult in this moment.

I resolve to be present at all times even if I am present for simply myself. I will allow for the need to pull back from being present to all when I must heal myself first. I will get back to being present for all eventually.

I resolve to give what I can give, when I am capable of giving it. I resolve to allow myself to be less judgemental of my capacity in the moments that I can give no further. I will come back to giving it all.

I resolve to be a better person and resolve to allow for those moments when that person is difficult to find. To be gentle on my need to fit in and fit out. I am a better person already and need to understand that.

I resolve to be strong in the moments when I am strongest and allow for the moments when weakness pushes out the power. I will get back to strong again.

I resolve to live my life according to how it is intended to be lived in each breath. I have no control over the moments to come and therefore cannot decide what they will look like or who I might be. I resolve to give up my need to control that destiny and to be kind to myself when I fall on my face because I thought I knew better.

And finally….

I resolve to love who I am in the moment. With my scars and my less than perfect pieces. I resolve to love when coffee wins over walking. And when walking wins over coffee. I resolve to love when cheesecake wins over salad. I resolve to love the bad choices and enjoy the choice I made. I resolve to love the good choices and enjoy the choice I made.

I resolve to simply resolve to be me.

And I resolve to love myself through every single step of it.

Happy New Year my friends.

In love and in light.

Tania