“The most painful tears are the too tired to cry tears”
If you’ve grieved any loss in this lifetime you will understand these words.
They were just shared with me a few moments ago by a friend struggling in her memories with no opportunity for further memories to be made…not in this lifetime at least and not with the loved one she misses. It’s the most profoundly painful moment to take part in. The knowing that nothing is bringing them back.
And the tears rush freely until they stop.
The most uncomfortable tears are the tears that stop falling even though your shoulders still shake with your sobs. Your soul wide awake and begging for release; the physical body too worn to produce the moisture to provide the exit from the pain. It’s the perfect imbalance intended to drop you into a slumber that you will wake from the next day. Your arms wrapped tightly to the pillow that you pulled to your chest as you fought to find comfort in something, you wake confused not knowing you fell asleep at all.
Imperfectly balanced. And perfectly needed.
I swam in the feeling for a bit before I decided to write this. As I waded in, it all came back to me, the experience of exhaustion came over me and I remembered how healing it is to let go.
And I found gratefulness to have been the person she shared her words with. Because she reminded me that letting go is the most healing gift we can allow for ourselves on this journey. That vulnerability with self first is the only way to peace and that stoic denial of this natural need leads only to death of the soul itself as it scars with each blow that we “handle”. And each blow does not have to mean death of someone we love. Blows come daily. In words unspoken, in promises broken, in physical disconnections, in loves lost, in dreams destroyed, in needs that can never be met and in directions we didn’t see coming. There are a thousand ways to scar the soul.
There is no weakness to be found in crying so hard that your tears just stop. No powerlessness in unconscious taking over and the drift into sleep that you won’t remember falling into…
Here, there is only strength…
When your eyes dry out, when you can’t squeeze one more drop…
It’s because you are here. In that place that you are too exhausted to release the pain. The place where the flow reverses and you are open to allow the tears to move backwards. Backwards to sooth the scars and to saturate your soul in the love that you have denied it while handling everything that is slowly breaking it.
Fall apart. Do it often. Stop handling each discomfort and filing it off to create a hardness in a soul that deserves tenderness. Fall apart.
Cry so hard that you’re too tired to cry.
Fall to pieces.
Cry so hard that your tears fall backwards.
You deserve to love yourself enough to water your own soul.
In love….in tears….in gratitude of small reminders.